I don’t like the snow. It is cold and wet and makes driving difficult. It soaks into the ankles of my jeans and travels up my calf then I step on my pants when I get my shoes off and my socks get wet. Snow makes things slippery and dangerous. Snow makes it impossible for my mom, or anyone in construction who isn’t already rich, to work.
That being said, people need to quit bitching about it–it’s fucking winter and it’s fucking Ohio. It’s going to snow. It’s going to be as miserable this year as it was last year and next year will also suck. As far as weather goes, this state is terrible. There are about two weeks for spring and two for fall and the rest of the time here is extreme.
But snow is also pretty when it glitters. And trees are gorgeous trapped in ice, I just feel bad for them when I see them like that.
Last night I thought I was dying. Not like, I have a runny nose, I’m dying, but like I actually feared for my existence. When Andy asked me if I wanted him to take me to the hospital I almost said yes. I’ve never considered that before. After being asleep for a few hours, stabbing in my tummy woke me up. The pain in my lower abdomen was so severe I was convinced that I was already sitting in a pool of blood because it seemed like there was no other option–my body was evacuating its internal organs, rejecting my ovaries, hatching wasp larvae, something awful. I reached down–only sweating, everywhere, badly, but I was so cold. I flipped over a few times, curled in a ball, wept, bared down on the blankets and pillows; I even found myself praying.
It was way more than PMS and I didn‘t feel like I had to poop at all. Everything ran through my mind: kidney stone, food poisoning, appendix bursting, miscarriage (no, I’m not pregnant, but I was delirious from pain), an ulcer, spider bite, possession, alien abduction. I thought I should probably go into the bathroom so that when my body burst into a trillion little pieces, cleanup would be easier, but I couldn’t move. But the pain fucking could.
I felt it roll from the center of my tummy to my side then back and lower. That’s when I was convinced I was about to give birth to the Antichrist.
After about an hour and a half of me crying and Andy probably worrying himself into an ulcer, it subsided and I said I was going back to sleep and passed out.
So I woke up this morning with a dull ache that’s been going away and I realize now it was probably just a gas bubble. Just a bubble of freaking gas. Pretty much nothing at all. Can you imagine if I’d gone to the hospital?
That would have been one fucking expensive fart.
But the point of this is, when I’m in pain, I go to my happy place. It’s a beach, warm, and I lay naked on the sand and listen to the waves crash a few feet away. The sun is out. There are palm trees. And that is the opposite of Ohio weather.
Now that I think of it, though, the fear of going to the hospital is what really drives one, or me at least, to wait it out because I don’t have health insurance. Maybe my insides aren’t filling up with toxins, ya know? Not going to risk the bill either way. But this all might change. I mean, well, ugh, not sure, BUT I’ve applied to five OSU jobs, the last of which was a position actually editing. According to the website, “Your application has been forwarded to the hiring department to be considered for this position.” They all say this now, they’ve all reached this stage, but they didn’t all start out there. It’s not the default position to be “Referred.” I think I might pee.
I did eventually poop.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: Antichrist, cramp, dying, gas, health insurance, Ohio, poop, snow, winter | 4 Comments »
And I love you.


